My daily adventures

BFP!!!!!! (or the post where I couldn't be giddier)

2011-03-01T12:49:00.007-05:00

As Hubby told his son when we got back from Vegas, "We came back negative in the money department but positive in the baby department!" We couldn't be more thrilled right now but I should back up and explain how this all worked with this cycle and how we found out.

We did the injections, which were super easy, but took forever to see results. They finally had me up to 300iu's/day. In the midst of all that I lost one of my best friends, Jonathan. He was a co-worker of mine and he passed away after recuperating at home from surgery from a fall at work at the beginning of January. Jonathan knew how important this was to me, we talked about it a lot and he shared with me the loss of one of his children at 3 days old. The day after his funeral we went to the RE's and the ultrasound showed a vast improvement. Three follies on my left side, one was 18something mm and the other two were 16something mm. I also had a 20something on the right side. We did the HCG shot that morning and I was scheduled for an IUI the next morning.

Friday morning I raced to the RE's office with the cup. By the time I got there, there was no point in my turning around and going home for less than an hour, so I visited the bagel shop downstairs and read a book. The IUI was completely painless and easy. Simple and quick. That's how I like things ;-) They came in and told me that we had 26million with 96% motility, not as high as his 90million count, but it only takes one and most of them were good ones. The IUI was like a pap smear except I didn't even feel anything like I do with the pap. I laid there for a few minutes afterwards and was sent on my way.

Last week we went to Vegas, where I did indulge in alcohol (I know...). But each day starting on Sunday (9dpo) I tested. Each day I received a BFN. I was using the IC's (internet cheapies) which are usually reliable. Finally on our last day in Vegas (Thursday, which was 13 dpo) it just didn't seem right. I cannot pinpoint it and tell you that I was certain I was pregnant, but for some reason it just didn't make sense to me, so I pulled out the digital test I'd brought as backup, tested and waited. I was sitting on the bed with it, watching the news while Hubby slept and all of a sudden it popped up "Pregnant". I about fell on the floor and screamed so loud I woke up Hubby. Then we just laid there hugging and smiling for quite some time (well I cried). We called the RE's office and scheduled a beta test for the following day when we would be home.

Friday morning we went in for our beta (in a blizzard mind you) and received the news later that day that my beta levels were at 77. They wanted to see something over 50, so the RE's office was pleased and scheduled me for a follow up on Monday, yesterday. I went in again and then sat at my desk at work all day biting my nails, tapping my feet, e-mailing my BFF, texting Hubby and pretty much just not working, I couldn't take the stress. Finally at 1:14 they called me and told me that it had come back at 266. I of course started crying again, thanking the nurse and she scheduled me for an ultrasound next Wednesday. I get to see my little blob :-)

Our due date is 11/04/11 according to Fertility Friend and my O date. Just in time for me to be off for the holidays, enjoying the time with my new baby.

I have a lot to say...

2011-02-06T15:27:00.003-05:00

- I'm doing a good job giving myself the injections.

- The medicine isn't working though, I'm up to 300iu's/day.

- One of the finest men I've ever known passed away yesterday and my heart is broken.

- Vegas is almost here and now I need it more than ever.

- I received my first blog award and need to acknowledge it.

But, I have no time to say all this. I will try tomorrow.

I need to specifically do a post dedicated to Jonathan and the type of man he was and I NEED to do that soon before these thoughts become distant memories.

Until then, Go Packers.

The Plan and my upcoming weekend

2011-01-28T14:46:00.003-05:00

So AF showed herself yesterday. I called my RE and they asked me to come in that same morning. I went in and did my normal baseline u/s and the nurse and I discussed the Compassionate Care Program. She was shocked with Hubby being laid off that we didn’t qualify for it. After she came in the room again though, she had two boxes of Gonal-F 450iu’s each for me and said that another woman had not needed these and donated them to the office. I am so very grateful for whoever donated this medicine.

Tomorrow I start my shots. I’m nervous. I thought I would be fine, but tomorrow night is my annual wine tasting event I go to with my sister-in-law and some other girlfriends. I need to take the shots between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m. each night and we already decided that the best time would be 6 p.m. because two nights a week I go to school from 6:40 – 9:25 and then another night I bowl 7 p.m. – 9:30 p.m. I’m going to be an hour away from Hubby tomorrow night. I was really hoping he’d be there for my first shot and help me through it or do it for me. Now I just have to suck it up and do it all on my own. I know plenty of women have done this, that does not make me any less nervous about the whole situation.

I go back for my first u/s and b/w to test my estrogen levels on Wednesday, CD7. I am excited because I want to see what progress I will make by then.

Tonight is date night, dinner and a movie. I was all prepared for a quiet evening at home in my pajama’s but Hubby told me to see what movies are out, what time they are showing and pick a place for dinner. I’m not gonna argue!

Tomorrow I plan on working a few hours early in the morning (not mandatory and the work is totally easy as in I can pop a movie in here at work while I do the work). Then tomorrow night is the wine tasting event with the girls.

Sunday is all about relaxing, doing laundry and homework and then we will head over to the in-law's for Sunday night dinner. I was supposed to work but there's a girl that I work with that could use the hours more than I could (at my part-time job), so when she asked I gave it to her (I'm nice like that...really I just didn't want to work).

A Blanket Thank You

2011-01-27T10:47:00.000-05:00

Thank you to the women who donate their unused medicine back to their reproductive endocrinologist offices. Walking out of my RE’s office today with $780 worth of medicine that I didn’t have to pay for was unbelievable, more than I could have imagined. I’m so grateful to women that do this and I know that if I’m ever in the same position I’ll make sure to do the right thing.

Acupuncture

2011-01-26T11:34:00.000-05:00

I haven’t really discussed my experience with acupuncture on here that much and thought I’d finally share my views on it.

The first thing I tell people about acupuncture is, “If it does nothing else, it gives me one hour each week where I do nothing but relax.” It’s all about me; I don’t have to be running from one place to another, trying to remember what I need to get at the store, wondering if my dogs need food, etc. There’s no other time throughout my week where I can lay on a bed/table and do nothing but relax and meditate.

My acupuncturist, Kirsten, is a wonderful woman. At first I thought we wouldn’t get along that well, she was quiet and I’m a chatterbox but as time goes on, we’re talking more and more at each appointment. I feel that she is almost my counselor and a shoulder to cry on in addition to being my acupuncturist. It’s like I have another cheerleader on the sidelines for me and Hubby.

We don’t just focus on Infertility at my acupuncture appointments, Kirsten asks how I slept in the past week (Did I fall asleep easily? Did I stay asleep?), we also talk about my appetite, my stress and energy levels and anything else that she may be able to help me fix.

Yesterday, for example, I told her I have been having vivid dreams and I keep waking up during the night (I dreamt of Kathleen Turner for God’s sake! And not in a nice way!) and I’m not falling asleep again very easily. Whatever she did to help me yesterday worked. I fell asleep immediately after putting my iPod down (listening to Linkin Park – Shadow of the Day before bed of course) and next thing I knew, it was 6:00 a.m. and my alarm was going off. I had slept through the night and not noticed my dog snoring on the floor next to me once. I felt so refreshed this morning and ready to start the day.

I know that some people get freaked out by the thought of the needles and I was one of those too. Believe it or not, it doesn’t hurt that bad. Most of the time there is no pain involved at all. The only time I have ever felt uncomfortable with the needles are when they are inserted on the tops of my feet where there’s not a lot of fat to cushion the prick of the needle. Even then, the pain is really just a pinch for a split second.

After the needles are in, Kirstin makes sure I’m warm enough and turns the lights off for me (a small desk lamp is usually left on). For the next 40-50 minutes I just lay there and breathe slowly and refuse to think about anything that may stress me out. Sometimes I fall asleep, but most of the time I just lay there, comforted in knowing that I’m getting a chance to relax.

The following are the places I’ve had needles in my body, the top of my head in my scalp, the spot between the eyebrows, my temples, my jaw line, near the top of my ear, near the top of my chest bone, my wrists, my abdomen, my calves, my ankles and my feet. A few times I’ve also laid on my stomach and she’s inserted them in my lower back and hooked them up to a wire with a very low voltage. It almost feels like a massage when she uses this method.

I honestly cannot say if the acupuncture is helping me Infertility wise, but I know it has helped me in other ways with stress, eating, sleep, etc. All these things can play a part, especially in Unexplained Infertility, so I have to believe it’s doing more good than harm for me. I don’t know how long I’ll keep going because we only have so much money to work with in our flexible spending account for 2011 and I’d rather use it on treatments but I am going to keep going as long as it’s financially possible without putting a strain on our finances.

I’ve found the best place to look for an acupuncturist is through your RE. It seems many are firm believers that it helps out in some way. To quote my RE, “I can’t prove that it’s helped my patients but I truly feel it’s a good idea for you to go and give it a shot.”

BFN

2011-01-25T09:03:00.002-05:00

Another BFFN. I was so confident this cycle. I had one nice size follicle on the left side, we had sex on the right days and I took care of myself so well and here we are 15dpo and a BFN.

I'm crushed. I didn't think we'd ever have to go this far. Now I wait for AF and later this week I'll start giving myself injections. I talked to Jen, my RE's nurse, yesterday. She's great. We talked about the Compassionate Care program application and she told me it would be fine to add an IUI to the next cycle. The cost is only $250, which is better than I was planning on ($400-500). I'm just in limbo at this point waiting to hear about the application and for AF to show up.

I drove home last night with tears pouring down my face, I honestly didn't think we'd have to take it this far. I always knew I'd have problems based on the ovarian cysts and the lack of a period, but I guess I was naive in thinking things would work themselves out.

I'm also tired of the advice. It goes beyond people just telling me to relax. I actually had a woman tell me that she and her husband had problems getting pregnant and she has a thing for men dressed in a tuxedo. She said one night they went to a hotel and he was dressed up and it just made her so turned on and she's positive that's the night they conceived and it was all because she was attracted to him...really? Because for the last three years I haven't been attracted to my husband, I just had sex with him to produce a baby. I understand that people don't know what to do or say and may feel awkward about hearing about your infertility but think about what you say or just say something like, "I'm sorry you have to go through this." Leave it at that, don't give me advice when you haven't been through this yourself.

I had another woman I know tell me that I wouldn't be able to know if I wasn't ovulating because I'm not a doctor. Thanks, because the fact that I don't get a period and I know more about my body than her means nothing. This coming from a woman that got pregnant while "on the pill" and then her other two were conceived the first month she tried with each of them. If she said that to me this late in my journey I'd probably have told her to kiss my ass and walked away but I was still young and dumb at the time.

Sorry for the rant, I just had a lot on my chest about this. I was trying to be so optimistic this cycle and now I feel like I'm lying on the ground with the rug pulled out from underneath me.

In other news 26 days until I go to Vegas.

Euchre Ladies

2011-01-21T23:35:00.002-05:00

About two years ago a male friend from work called me and asked if I was free for the evening. I wasn't but I was dying to know why this married co-worker wanted to know and being the funny guy that he is his reply was, "Oh, what would our spouses think? I can't believe you're contemplating an evening alone with me!" That's Matt. He said all this with his wife, Vicki, standing there waiting for my answer.

Vicki belongs to a group of women from her old church and each month these women get together for a night of Euchre. I was busy that night and turned her down even though they needed a sub, but I made it clear that I would love to be considered in the future. The next month they needed a sub again, so I went along. Slowly I built friendships with these women and someone dropped out (it's a group of 8) and I became a regular. This is a great group of women and I love spending a Friday night with them.

Tonight was a Euchre night and it rotates between our houses. We laugh, we cry, we get serious, we get silly and just have a wonderful evening. I feel so blessed to have become a part of this group and know that I've made lasting friendships with these women. The funny part is that the women are all 12-20 years older than me. I'm the kid of this group, but something draws me to them. They make me feel like I'm one of them, on their level and are good to me. I have some pretty good friends in that group.

I'm sad

2011-01-19T16:17:00.001-05:00

I don't get to see this handsome face when I get home tonight. He's working late and I have to leave for school at 6 p.m....sigh. (And no, that's not me, that's my MOH)

Hello again...

2011-01-18T22:34:00.002-05:00

I know, it's been awhile.

We're on our third and final cycle of Femara. I had one follicle on my left side (the good side) that was 19.5mm. Now I'm in the 2ww. We're not supposed to test until next Tuesday but we agreed to test on Sunday, I'll be 13dpo. If this doesn't work we move onto Gonal-F, an injection medicine. The RE just wants us to do TI (timed intercourse) but I'm going to discuss adding an IUI, if we're spending the money on the medicine. But I'm feeling confident that we'll get our next Baby Chick this cycle.

In other news, school is back in session. I'm taking Intro to the Global Business Environment and Accounting I ahem again ahem. It's on Monday and Wednesday nights, so not too rough of a schedule and I am enjoying both classes. I just need to buckle down this semester.

33 days until Vegas. Hubby and I need to get away and it can't come quick enough. Even if we just go and stay in our hotel room the entire time ;-) I'm happy.

I haven't had a lot to say lately. I just feel like until a medicine/procedure works and we get pregnant or we decide to stop, that we're just treading water. I feel that way about my weight too. With the medicines, I feel it's keeping the weight on and I'm doing Weight Watchers just to keep it off. I lose and gain the same 2 lbs. every few days, so at least I'm maintaining.

I promise my next post will be sooner and more enjoyable.

Patience

2010-10-19T09:31:00.002-04:00

Patience is a virtue that the good Lord did not grace me with at birth. Being the baby of the family I was waited on hand and foot and babied by my siblings and my parents. To say I was spoiled is an understatement.

So imagine my surprise when my first boyfriend breaks up with me because I'm too impatient waiting on a phone call from him. This was back in the days of pagers (remember how cool it was to have it go off and have to make a phone call?) and I hadn't heard from him so I started paging him with my phone number and "911" to let him know this was an emergency. Well he wasn't allowed to use the phone at work and had to ask to make a phone call to me, thinking something was wrong. Ahhh, that was the end of that relationship. It's okay though, he turned out to be a huge loser.

At almost 30 I'm still working on developing my patience and tolerance for things. I'm a government worker, I'm wired to hate people. I say it once a day at least, "I hate people." I've said I want to move out into the middle of nowhere and it just be me, Hubby and step-son, often. I just get frustrated I suppose with the general public.

That being said, I've done a good job of demonstrating patience and tolerance the last few days with Hubby. Step-son and I stayed home yesterday, he was just plain old sick (woke us up in the middle of the night throwing up) and me, well I started Metformin and it has some nasty side effects, we'll just leave it at that. So we were both worthless to the world yesterday, laying in the living room, watching movies. He finally went to his mom's around 5:00 p.m. and I got dressed and ventured out into the public to get some dog food so that at least the pups didn't starve. Hubby worked until 8:30ish and all I wanted was an omelett. I'm the cook in the house but I don't do omeletts, they end up being scrambled eggs, so I asked him if when he got home he could make me an omelett. I sauteed the onions, diced up some ham, and made a sweet potato hash like this http://greenlitebites.com/2010/10/01/simple-sweet-potato-hash/ and a regular potato sauteed for Hubby (he hates sweet potatoes and he's not that picky so I can't get mad when he doesn't like something). Hubby came home and made me my omelett...he burned it. I was disappointed and usually I wouldn't even say anything, even if I'm sick and that's all I wanted but the disappoinment typically shows on my face and I didn't even let that through this time. I mean, Hubby worked 8 a.m. - 8:30 p.m. and I'm going to be upset that he didn't cook my eggs right? No, I thanked him for making me dinner and sat and ate with him while we watched last week's Grey's Anatomy and cuddled on the couch. It wouldn't have done me any good to complain. It wasn't horrible to eat, it's not like it was charred and after a hard day of work he came home and made that for me. That's why he's my hubby, because he's awesome.

Project Love Dare #1 - Patience

2010-10-17T15:36:00.005-04:00

The boys are out of the house for a little bit. I had to send them on their way to the grocery store for tonight's dinner at my brother-in-law's house. We do "Sunday Dinner" with them every week. About 2 1/2 years ago we were over there two weeks in a row for dinner and Hubby jokingly asked them what was for dinner the following Sunday and so it began. We've done all sorts of things like Fondue night, make your own Stromboli, pizzas, burgers, turkey dinner with the fixings, just ordered in fried chicken and pizza, you name it we've done it. Tonight is gyro night and I'm making Paula Dean's Ooey Gooey Butter Cake but I'm doing the peanut butter/chocolate combo because my Hubby lives and breathes for all things peanut butter/chocolate. I'm also bringing potatoes to make carnival fries. We have such a great time going over and catching up once a week with them and getting step-son and his two cousins together.

The dare for today was to practice patience and say nothing negative to my spouse. I've done fairly well so far today considering we cleaned out the garage and organized it, which meant three people on top of each other, fighting over 20-year-old stuffed animals, books, pictures, etc. that were all boxed up outside (side note - I found a package my mother saved for me, which was New Kids on the Block party supplies. Paper plate, napkins, cups and a table cloth...OH EM GEE). It did grate on my nerves but I did well. The day isn't over but I think I'll make it through, I try not to get down on him as it is and so today is a rather easy dare I suppose.

This week will try my patience though and I've affectionately called it "Hell Week". Monday and Wednesday I work both jobs, which means 8 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. - 11:30 p.m. Tuesday night I have a work get together, which involves playing poker with my best buddies and it's only a monthly thing, so I hate to skip it. Thursday night I have acupuncture and then bowl with my other. Friday night I have a work get together (again) but shouldn't be too long because I'm going to a Pure Romance party (hubba hubba) with my sister-in-law. Then next Saturday and Sunday I have more afternoon shifts at my part-time job. I won't make it home before 10 p.m. any night in the next seven nights, and I know I'll be frustrated and want to complain that the dishes aren't done, the laundry needs folded, etc. but I'm going to practice patience and I have to realize he works too, we have lots to do around our home and he's only one person....so am I.

Project - Love Dare

2010-10-14T09:28:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine recently told me about a book called The Love Dare. My marriage is far from being in trouble but the idea of the book appealed to me. Looking over our marriage and that of our friends' and families' marriages, I wanted something more, something better. My husband was my first true love and it's been a rocky road but I'm glad we're here together today. "The Love Dare is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love." (From the back page of the book.) That is something I'm not quite sure we've attained in our marriage.

I saw a picture the other day of someone I knew who was a victim of one of my sisters' paths to destruction over the last 20+ years. It was a picture from so long ago he still had a smile and seemed happy. I saw that picture and vowed I wouldn't let my husband turn out like that.

Here's where I'll be blogging about my journey. I'll be starting this on Sunday. I'm still reviewing the book and even though it's a 40-day challenge, that would be impossible for me to do each one daily and blog about it each day. I'm in the process of breaking the daily challenges down and will be doing 2-3 each week. I can't wait. I want to be a better wife and show my husband how much I truly love him.

For anyone reading this I urge you to pick up your own copy of the book and attempt the challenge. As a good friend told me, "If you think you don't need the help, it can't hurt your marriage, it can only help the situation." If you'd like to know more about it, here's the official website http://thelovedarebook.com/

Wish me luck!

Update of sorts

2010-10-13T14:14:00.001-04:00

So 5mg of Femara does nothing for me. 7mg, oh it worked out nicely. Nice 18.2mm follicle on my left side, which is the only good side now and so I got my trigger shot, we did the appropriate deed and at 7dpo I started feeling funny. I puked, felt like shit and crashed on the couch that night. Saturday morning, 8 dpo my period arrived. I called the RE’s office and left a tearful message to schedule an appointment. I had such high hopes for this cycle and felt robbed of at least the 2ww where I could just keep hoping and praying to get pregnant.

This past Monday I went into my RE’s office and he wasn’t there, I saw the head RE and he said that one of my ovaries looked polycystic. He didn’t want to start me on any new medications, he just had me do a blood draw to test my HCG (negative) and my Estrogen (62). I also had to set up a time to meet with my RE, which is this Friday. We’re going to talk about the fact that maybe I do in fact have PCOS (which I’ve always thought but never had enough evidence until this point). My BFF was diagnosed with it and they gave her Metformin, she gave me so many good pointers for it that I’m feeling very prepared for my appointment on Friday. I actually feel better maybe having a definite diagnosis and answers to why my body has been so fucked up these past few years.

In other news I’m going away on a little trip with the hubby the first weekend in November. I cannot wait. We’re going to what we in Northeast Ohio call “Amish Country” about 90 minutes south of us. There’s some great shopping to be done there and we’re going to stay at this hotel we stayed at about two years ago with a king size bed and Jacuzzi, for the weekend. It’ll be so nice to just get away the two of us and not worry about a thing.

For the time being I’m spending my evenings at home this week wallowing in the despair that is my husband working an inane amount of hours to bulk up on cash before things slow down for the winter. I miss him. I miss lying at opposite ends of the couch, rubbing each other’s feet while we walk and watch our favorite television shows. I miss curling into bed with him, throwing my leg over top of him and knowing I’m safe since he’s there to protect me. It’ll be over soon, I’m sure and then you’ll hear me crying about how I want to commit a homicide after hearing him breathe in his sleep for hours on end because I can’t sleep. Ahh, the joys of an eternity of marriage.

I must go now and be the hard government worker that I am. Oh, I will be sharing a project in the next few days that I'm going to start. Can't wait to share!

Fall is here!

2010-09-15T10:14:00.001-04:00

Well, maybe just at Dunkin' Donuts, but still. Hubby and I went to my RE appointment this morning (big fail there) but our ritual is to stop at the Dunkin' Donuts right before we get on the highway to go to the RE and grab some coffee. I normally just get the iced caramel latte but today they had all their pumpkin stuff! So of course I had to get a pumpkin cake donut (Oh em gee) and a hot pumpkin latte. Yum on both fronts!

RE appointment didn't go as well. I had my HSG on Monday. My left tube (where the ectopic was at) is clear BUT my right tube is now blocked, which was fine last October...WTF. Today is only CD12 and there wasn't a lot of progress from the Femara, so I go back on CD15, this Saturday. I had a good cry fest on Monday but I'm okay today with things. I'll be fine, as someone on The Bump pointed out, I still have a clear tube, that's all that matters.

I'm so excited that it's fall time. I dread the cold of winter but there's just something about fall that gets me excited. The crispness in the air, the smell of bonfires, pumpkins, going to haunted houses, festivals, it's just all so refreshing. My niece is in the high school marching band and we help out on Friday nights at the games for her and I so look forward to that, this is the last year since she's a senior so it's bittersweet. I'm hoping my love of all things fall related will help me through these next couple of months.

Latest for Project Baby Making

2010-09-09T12:00:00.000-04:00

Well the consult with the RE was a little depressing. Basically I've developed a Clomid resistance, I mean who wouldn't have after 11 cycles (13 if you count the two cycles within a cycle...). Our next option is Femara, starting off at 5mg/day for five days (lowest is 2.5mg and highest is 7.5mg). I started it this past Monday and haven't really noticed anything different YET.

I also have another HSG scheduled for next week. The doctor wants to make sure my left tube healed properly after my ectopic. I have been praying non-stop that it's okay and just want Monday to be over and done with. It's mid-day but I took the afternoon off and Hubby and I are going to go out to lunch and maybe see a movie, just spend some quality time together.

I also have a follie check coming up on Wednesday. I'm curious to see how well I respond to Femara (fingers crossed!!!!).

I just want a take home baby.

Vegas

2010-09-08T18:10:00.000-04:00

Hubby and I got married in Vegas. It's not the conventional way of doing things but Hubby and I aren't really that conventional I guess.

Hubby and I had a rather rocky engagement. I went a little stir crazy with my life, asked him to move out of the house and was single for about a month before I realized he was the most important thing in my life and I couldn't imagine myself as an old women and NOT having him by my side. I still choke up thinking about the mistake I could have made.

I was brought up Catholic and he was brought up, well, he was just brought up. So when we went about planning our wedding day, we decided to get married by the mayor of the city I worked for and have our ceremony and reception at the same hall. I booked the hall, a photographer and some other things. When we got back together, the wedding was scheduled for in about 9 months and we didn't want to try and stress ourselves out by planning anymore and kind of gave up on the idea for a little bit. On New Year's Eve that year we spent the night at my now BIL's house. I had a dream of racing around a mall to finish up wedding planning on a Friday afternoon. Let's just say that we ended up with a cupcake tower in my dream. I don't know why but the dream made me feel as though I was finally ready to get married, so we started planning AGAIN. By the end of February we couldn't handle the pressure. Talking with my soon-to-be BIL and SIL, we realized we were letting the stress get to us and we didn't want this to be about anyone but the two of us. We decided to do a destination wedding for the same time.

Two days later we sat at home looking at our options, knowing we wanted our parents there for us and decided our best bet for that was in the states and chose our favorite vacation spot, Vegas!

I wouldn't take anything back about that day (well maybe feeding my step-son three Starbucks Frappacinos and having him puke during pictures). It was a gorgeous day, my parents were there, my life as Mrs. Smith started that day, how could it get better?

200mg of Clomid makes a girl crazy

2010-08-15T10:44:00.000-04:00

I kinda fell off the face of the Earth after my ectopic pregnancy in April. I think I’m better now and we are back on the band wagon of Project Baby Making.

Clomid is the devil. It really is. While I'm frustrated it hasn't worked, I'm grateful that this is my last cycle on it. I think my RE decided to do this as a Hail Mary. I have a consult on Thursday to move onto ~~more expensive~~ bigger and better drugs.

This cycle has been the roughest one yet. I’m exhausted. I not only have the hot flashes to the point that the backs of my knees break out in a sweat…ummmm ew! I have the night sweats. It’s disgusting. I’m sleeping practically naked with an air conditioner and two fans blowing right on me. Hubby comes to bed and I usually throw a leg up on top of him (for some reason that’s the only way I can fall asleep) and he can’t stand it, says I’m burning up. But when I take my temperature I’m not running a fever. This is the most bizarre thing!!!

I constantly feel like I’m going to pass out from sheer exhaustion…How the hell do they expect people to get pregnant if they’re too tired to have sex??? My BFF suggested this morning that I go to bed early tonight with a book and relax. That would be a GREAT idea if I was going to be home, but I’m not. I signed up for extra shifts. Tonight I work until 11:30 p.m. Tomorrow? I work my normal shift 8-4:30 (leaving at 3:30 for my acupuncture) and then off to my extra job from 5:15-11:30. Tuesday night I have a work dinner and Wednesday night I told my mom I would take her and my grandma to the movies – Can you say spread too thin? I’m counting down the days to my mini vacation – Thursday to Sunday. I’m not answering work e-mails or discussing work with any of my friends from work. Those four days are gonna be about me, Hubby and step-son. Thursday we have the consult in the morning, I’m getting the oil changed in Hubby’s vehicle in the afternoon, Friday I’m going to clean the house up, Saturday we’re going shopping in Pennsylvania and Sunday we are RELAXING!

Hubby and I went to the RE’s this morning – up and early on a Sunday morning, I know how to party – for a follicle check on CD13. Wanna know how it went? Waste.Of.Time. They didn’t even tell me measurements of my follies (there were “many”) because they were so small. I go back in two days to follow up and hope that some of them grow in the next two days. In the mean time I get to come home and be a crazy bitch of a wife.

I started acupuncture, I figured why the hell not. I’ve gone four times and while I don’t know how well it’s working, I feel more energy and as crazy as I’ve been, I have to say it has helped with the crazies.

I had an interesting discussion on Facebook with my boss’ husband. He sent me a message saying he heard from his wife I’m trying to get pregnant. He suggested the power of prayer. Pray for patience to deal with this. I’m trying, but I can’t say it’s the easiest thing I’ve done, anyone who knows me knows I’m impatient in every aspect of my life, but I’m trying. Nothing can hurt, right?

Thankful Thursday

2010-04-29T10:53:00.000-04:00

I’ve been down in the dumps lately and thought maybe I should say what I’m thankful for and remind myself all that I have in life.

1. My iPod Touch. The thing is glued to me. I used to stress when I’d get stuck at a train on the way to work but now I just have it there and can play a game while waiting and keep myself calm. I listen to the music all day long and in the evening it’s so much easier to check Facebook, etc. through that then getting out my clunky laptop, which the laptop seems to make time disappear magically.

2. My BFF. I haven’t seen her since she got married in September 2006 but talk to her without almost every single day. I can tell her anything and know she’s not judging me and will help me through the latest crisis whether it be my IF or something as simple as putting on two different shoes in the morning (which I’ve done more than once…please don’t judge).

3. My husband is the most awesome husband ever. He has been so supportive even through my craziest moments these last few months and each night I can’t wait to get home to him and make him a special dinner, rub his feet or his back or just simply sit with him and talk about our day.

4. A steady job for me at least. I work for the government and have some seniority. I expect to be a lifer here at work. Hubby’s job scares us at times (construction) but at this point he brings home a steady paycheck. Scary to say but if he lost his job and worked all the side work he gets offered, he’d probably make more money, so even if the company he works for goes under we’d do alright.

5. Cooking! I love to cook and would love to take some type of culinary class, that being said I’d never make it as a chef, I have no creativity. But most days I enjoy being in the kitchen whipping up something and I’m so glad hubby has started to share my love for cooking shows. I made some Swedish meatballs last night with mashed potatoes and gravy. I’m not a gravy person, so I just put a little on the side, didn’t swim my meatballs in it. They were okay, the recipe called for nutmeg and allspice, I think it was a bit too much between the two, so I’ll definitely cut back on those next time.

Happy Birthday to me...

2010-04-26T20:20:00.000-04:00

I'm 29 today. What a way to celebrate my birthday. My ass didn't leave the couch until about 4:30 p.m.ish when I decided I needed a shower at least. Hubby wanted to take me out for a quick dinner before my classes tonight, so we went to Olive Garden (because I wanted Tiramisu). It was nice to get out. We came home and my back started hurting bad and I'm cramping on the left side where they removed the ectopic, so I'm skipping school. I'm quite the slacker these days.

My weekend was spent resting and we went to my brother-in-law's for dinner to celebrate my birthday. I wanted simple, burgers, fries and Caesar salad. My BIL also made some strawberry banana daiquiris. My mom and dad gave me a gift certificate for a Miche bag, since I've been wanting one along with some cash. I got gift cards and cash from everyone else. The gift cards are all to Bed Bath & Beyond. I told everyone there's a few things I want there, including a pasta pot with a strainer, a new wooden cutting board and I've been eyeing a wooden salad bowl. So I'll be going shopping in the next few weeks.

It's back to work tomorrow, don't know how I'm going to do, but I'll try my best. People know what's going on and I ran into one of my detectives at the grocery store yesterday, he was so kind about it but I'm scared to break into tears in front of people. Our work is tight knit and it got out before I could even keep it a secret, I didn't want people to know, but they do.

I feel so empty right now. I know I wasn't pregnant that long, but I feel like there is just something missing from me. I keep eating, even when I'm not hungry. I feel stuffed, but it's like I just can't shake this feeling. I'm miserable and I just wish it didn't have to be this hard to get pregnant. I'm crying over the littlest thing and feeling ridiculous about everything. Hubby was downstairs yesterday morning, let the dogs out and was going to make breakfast, I was upstairs by myself and I just lost it, I started crying and he ran upstairs to see what was wrong, I can't explain that I just want my baby, I want both of them. I've lost two already and feel like such a failure that I can't do what normal everyday women do all the damn time. My body aches to hold these babies and just be normal. I asked hubby the other night if he thought these babies were girls or boys, he thinks they were both girls. I think the first was a girl but this one would have been a boy.

I told myself I would get off the computer at 9:00 and spend the rest of the evening with my sexy hubby, who I can't have sex with right now :-( So I'm going to go cuddle up next to him and try and forget these pains in my abdomen.

So a little more story

2010-04-09T09:40:00.001-04:00

Wednesday morning I woke up for my RE consult and I had horrible cramps the night before, was so ready to say screw it, in fact half way through peeing, I changed my mind and was like, "WTH, I have one more test, who cares if I waste it." I got out a cup, peed, tested and left it in the bathroom to check on in a few. I went into the kitchen, washed my hands and started packing DH's lunch (something I started doing a few months ago just cuz). While I was making DH's lunch he says to me, "Didn't you take a test?" Looking back, I think he looked in on it before saying this. I said, "Oh yeah, duh." And figured I'd go check it and chuck it in the trash like normal.

As soon as I saw that faint second line my eyes welled up with tears. I was so excited. I went to the RE, told them and they did bloodwork and said we wouldn't bother with the consult right now. They wanted my beta to be between 50-100. They called that afternoon and said it was a 50! I was ecstatic.

Two days later I went in for another test, they feel they should be up by 70%, not doubled, so they were looking for a beta of 85. It had gone down to a 44. I was devastated and left work because I was so upset. Monday I took off and went again. It went down to a 38 and I started bleeing heavily that day, I stayed home Tuesday also, then Wednesday and Thursday worked half days because my back was killing me halfway through the day. The following Monday I went in for another blood test. It was only down to 23 and my flow was tapering off. The RE called me in for an exam two days later and more bloodwork. When he pushed on my right side I started crying, it hurt that bad. That had been the side where I had the huge egg, he started to suspect it was an ectopic. My bloodwork went back up to a 28. He gave me information on a laprascopy and a shot, Methotrexate and said we would talk the next day (Thursday, 4/22).

Hubby and I discussed it at length, did our own research, wrote down a list of questions and I went back to the office on Thursday. When all was said and done, he suggested the shot, but understood if I wanted the lap instead. We decided on the lap and he decided to also do a D&C. This was all yesterday and today I'm just resting. Lots of liquids, junk food, a heating pad, pain meds and my DVR. Oh and my puppy cuddling up against me, they have such a good sense of when something is wrong.

My experience at the hospital was wonderful, but rather than rehash it, here's an e-mail I sent my BFF this morning:

Wow, I don't even know where to start except that the hospital I went to was wonderful. The nurses had me in tears sometimes from being so kind, from the check-in/check-out nurses, to the pre-op, to the op, and the recovery nurses, they were all wonderful.

We got there and I had already been registered over the phone the day before, so they took me straight into a room. Jeff and Steven got to stay in there with me and watch t.v. and the nurses came in and out to do paperwork, take temp, b/p, etc. and finally put in an IV with fluids.

When I texted you about the IV, they came in right after that and did it, and not long after that they took me up to pre-op. It was two floors up, and there's a waiting room there for family. They let the boys say bye to me and then I laid there for a little while. They came in and got me at about 3ish and by about 3:15 I was out.

Recovery was a little rough, they take out the breathing tube and it makes your throat scratchy. I heard my monitors beeping like crazy and I actually told myself to calm down so that they'd stop beeping so loudly, the only thing I had a hard time controlling was the amount of oxygen I was getting. I had to breathe deep through the tube in my nose and exhale through my mouth. I'd forget and it would go off again. Plus, I knocked my monitor off my finger, so they put it on my toes, but they're painted and it made it hard, so then they put it on my ear to monitor the oxygen.

While laying in recovery, I would have sworn the nurse said they took my left tube and I started crying. When that one came back, she came to the side of the bed and I said, "Did you say they took my left tube?" She said, "Yes," and I started crying. She kept saying I could still get pregnant. She asked if I wanted my husband and I said yes, so they went to get him. She brought him in and I asked him, he said no, that he talked to Dr. Mooney and they said they took the tissue from the embryo out of my left tube, and they had to cut it open to do so but that it would heal itself. Another nurse was standing there and agreed with him, but I said that another nurse had told me that. I was hard to understand and I think the nurses must have been saying they removed the tubal from my left tube, not the tube itself. They also kept saying I was 6 weeks, so I'm assuming that it kept growing, even after all the bleeding the week before.

I was then moved back down to my original room and the boys came along. I had to rest in there for a little bit, had some crackers and Sprite. Then they took out the IV and the boys left so the nurse could take me to the bathroom. She helped me do all that, then called the boys back in.

They have a program where they take the tissue from your removal and cremate it with the other babies people have lost and once a year they have a memorial service. A nurse at that hospital came up with the program after having numerous M/C's herself. They gave me a packet with pamphlets for me, Jeff, our parents, anyone who would deal with grief from it, information on support groups and meetings and a small baby quilt.We had to go get my RX's filled and while at the store I got Sprite (something different than all the ice water!) little chocolate carmel candies, a lunch for today to heat in the microwave and breakfast sandwiches for this morning. Jeff had to leave and do some things, so he made my breakfast (one of the sandwiches, an orange and some milk) before he left, but now I'm just resting in bed.

We came home and had dinner (I was STARVING) and had made pork ribs in the crockpot and mashed potatoes. We just laid on the couch and recliner and watched movies.

Okay, that was a lot longer than I expected, lol. I'm going to lay down and rest now. Talk to you soon.

OMG People! We have a BFP!!!

2010-04-08T14:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Baby Chick,

Wow, I can’t believe you’re in there. We were so surprised to find out about you yesterday, we just weren’t expecting much of anything this month and there you were. I woke up early yesterday and forgot I was supposed to take a test before my doctor’s appointment. Last minute I grabbed one, took the test and went in the kitchen (of course washing my hands first!) and started packing daddy’s lunch. In fact daddy’s the one who reminded me that I had taken a test in the first place (duh!). So I walked back down the hall to the bathroom and found two little pink lines staring back at me. I just looked up at your daddy and started crying. I was so happy, the tears just poured and I loved you so much in that very instant. We couldn’t be happier to know our baby chick was in there!

This morning daddy and I were talking and he told me he doesn’t want me to get too excited about you yet (how could I not?!?!?!?) and I said “No!” I told him we are going to be excited just like other couples are and hope for the best. He was in the shower so he started splashing me with the water and said, “Okay, we’ll celebrate! Here’s your confetti!” I couldn’t stop giggling. Your daddy is constantly making me laugh; I hope you get that trait from him. He’s so smart and quick to come up with things.

There is a part of me that wants to fast forward and know you’re okay in there but at the same time I’m not going to wish away this pregnancy, yes I’ll be dying to meet you in December but at the same time I want to enjoy every day I have holding onto you and loving you like no one else could (well except of course your dad).

Tomorrow I have more blood work to check on you. You better be okay in there! I’ll be four weeks tomorrow and can’t wait to hear how you are doing.

I love you so much baby chick.

Love, Mama

It's been awhile!

2010-04-06T09:10:00.001-04:00

I'm a bad blogger, I know. It's just been a rough go the past few months. I'm not doing too hot on the weight thing, I'm back up to 213. Never thought I'd see that number this morning. The first month on Clomid with the RE and doing the trigger shot was a bust. I'm thinking this month is a bust too. I've been bleeding for 28 days except of course the CD16 & CD17 where I got my trigger shot and was happy for a day afterwards. Then on our drive to Florida for spring break I started spotting. So today marks CD28 and I haven't seen anything yet to say that I still have AF, it usually isn't prominent first thing in the morning, it takes a few hours to show up, then is here for the remainder of the day.

I have a consult with my RE tomorrow. We're going to discuss other options, from what the nurse said a few weeks ago they want to move onto injectibles. I had my trigger shot 12 days ago. So they wanted me to take a pregnancy test before coming in for the consult tomorrow but I'm not going to bother since I bled this entire month.

Here's a story I shared with my BFF thinking this may be the cycle for me...
Okay, so I'm really weird with dates and numbers, like I always play games with numbers in my head and I remember weird dates.

Our dating anniversary is 2/25 and you would not believe how many people have that for a birthday when I'm entering tickets or arrest reports or whatever at work. I notice it all the time. So one day I thought to myself that maybe I just notice it because it has significance to me. So I picked out a date to see how often it comes up when I do paperwork at work. I chose 12/16 and I NEVER SEE IT. But I think about it all the time when I'm entering stuff.

IF I do okay, get my trigger shot and O at Thursday's appointment and get pregnant, my due date will be 12/16/10.

But now that I shared this with you and shared it with hubby earlier today (he said I'm just plain crazy) I've probably jinxed myself.

But I'm back on the WW wagon now, I really think my weight is what is keeping me from O'ing and if I can lose some and get healthier, than I may just be able to get pregnant myself instead of pumping hormones into my body all the damn time.

This week is rough, school, working extra at part-time job, and working at full-time job. I have tons of homework coming up due for one of my classes, but next week I'd like to get back into running.

I ordered some dresses online for hubby's cousin's wedding in May. They are gorgeous and I can't decide which one. I only ordered the second one becuase the first one looked like it may have too much "white" in it, but I couldn't tell if it was white or cream online, colors are so deceiving on the computer. Well so I ordered a black dress with a white trim on the shoulders and a sash on it, just as a backup. Well the dress I was so worried about turned out to be a tan color, it looks fabulous, but then I tried the other one on just for funsies and it looks great too. So hubby said he likes the tan one and I agree but I'm going to take them to the in-law's this weekend and have my SIL and neice give their opinions.

54 Points

2010-02-03T13:10:00.000-05:00

That's what I ate in one day! WTF. I've never considered myself an emotional eater until now. Yesterday just got to me, I have a coworker who I don't get along with and I let her get to me yesterday, which I don't normally do. It's hard to sit here and work and pick up her slack while she takes personal call after personal call and doesn't do shit at her desk. Ahhh, the glory of being a government worker where no one gets fired for doing a shitty job. If I stay late one more time this week working late for free, hubby is going to kill me. So I'm not letting it get to me today, I'm out of here at 4:30 and that's that!

On to my gluttonous part of the day...
I started the day off nicely with a Jimmy Dean light breakfast sandwich (5)
Coffee sounded good, add some creamer and a tiny bit of sugar (3)

I had a great lunch packed of ham/spinach/cheese/couscous already to go. Then my evil boss suggested we get lunch, she of course can eat anything and is thin! We settled on Chipotle. I got my usual chicken burrito bowl with corn salsa, cheese and chips. I gave half the chips to a coworker with some salsa and used the rest in my bowl (17)

I got home and didn't have a plan for dinner, I have meal plans the rest of the week but didn't last night because I was supposed to go to dinner with a friend, she bailed on me, so I stayed home with hubby. Before he got home I ate a few handfuls of Cool Ranch Doritos (5.5)...fuck, it was a 57 point day, there was a fudge round (3) that I didn't include...sigh.

When hubby got home we had Totino's pizzas. Of course I had to have one all by myself and I need milk with it, I don't know why but pizza and milk go together for me (18.5). Along with that there was some buttered egg noodles from Sunday night dinner that hubby was eating. They looked tasty so I had a bowl (4).

This was all by 6:00 p.m.!!!!!

I tried to keep busy but during Biggest Loser I ended up heating up a bag of popcorn (1) to get me through it and brushed my teeth as soon as I was done so that I wouldn't snack anymore.

Now, the old me would have just forgotten about yesterday and started over today. I even thought about doing it still. But I remembered how good it felt to see a loss this week and I want that again. So I tracked it all and am down to 1 WP left and so far I will only earn 1 AP this week with my bowling night tomorrow night.

I weighed myself (yes, I do it all the time) and expected ~3lbs worth of sodium to be taking residency in my body after all the crap I ate yesterday but I was actually down 1.5 lbs from the day before. I know the number on the scale shouldn't be such a decision maker for me but it does help to know I can screw up and it's not going to ruin everything. I can screw up and not feel like I might as well give up for the week, which was the old me.

I received my trigger shot in the mail yesterday. The way my RE works is they have the pharmacy call me directly, I pay for it or give my insurance (ha, like they'd pay for that) and they mail it to me. Came in one day by priority mail all neatly wrapped up. I have it sitting very safely away from any puppies until I can take it in next week and give it to my doctor.

I really hope this works this month but I'm going to be honest here. This is a little embarrassing. A girlfriend talked me into having one of those Roxie readings. I don't believe in psychics but she talked me into it (I suck when it comes to peer pressure). Roxie said she saw the month of December and a boy. Now the month can be the month you conceive in, find out in or the month you're due. If we get pregnant this cycle it will be an early November baby. If we get pregnant next cycle or the cycle after that it will be a December baby. I can't help but wonder if I'm not meant to get a BFP this month but that it will come in the next two cycles. I did get pregnant (and miscarried) a little over a year ago and that involved nothing cycle 1, O'ing cycle 2 and getting pregnant cycle 3. So who knows. I don't take much stock in psychics and that crazy shit but it's a looming thought I suppose.

Down 2 pounds!

2010-02-01T10:02:00.001-05:00

Which is surprising after the wine tasting event this weekend. It's this great event that I go to each year with my sister-in-law and a few girlfriends. We always have a blast and this year was no different. Lots of wine drinking but I behaved this year and only bought two bottles because 1. We're broke and 2. My wine fridge is full, where the hell am I going to put more wine?

AF finally showed up. I was the nastiest person ever on Friday and Saturday morning at 3 a.m. she finally showed up while I was at work. I was never so happy to get my period. So now today is CD3 and I'm off to the doctor's office for my CD3 ultrasound and my Rx for Clomid, then they'll set up my appointments for monitoring next week and my trigger shot. I'm keeping my fingers crossed since if I don't get a BFP this month, most likely AF will effing show up while I'm at Kalahari (an indoor water park) at the end of the month getting a much needed break.

My goal this week is to work out more. I didn't get much in last week, not that I didn't still lose but that's not the point. So I'm going to push myself to be a little more active this week, especially with having another weekend off coming up, I definitely have the time to get to the gym and run or do my yoga.

I'm a loser

2010-01-25T13:19:00.000-05:00

Well in weight loss, I lost 2.2 lbs this week. Not as much as I hoped but I'm still awaiting AF and my work pants were TIGHT this morning, so I'm sure she's almost here and maybe I'll see more of a loss next week from this gain from TOM. Weekend was so-so. Friday night I made Island Chicken with rice pilaf and a mango/canteloupe salsa. It was delish. Then I needed to escape for a bit so I went to the gym to do my run for the day. That felt good. Saturday was spent cleaning the house and I did the Shred. I had to work Saturday night though, so not in the mood to work all the time lately, I'm just burned out from the two jobs lately.

Sunday was more of the same but I went to the gym to get my run in while the boys went on a driving lesson, then they came back to the gym and we ate Subway for lunch. I had to work again last night, I'm just feeling so much animosity towards working lately. I need to get over it, it's not like I'm going to become independently wealthy anytime soon.

Didn't go grocery shopping for the week like I normally do and won't be able to until tomorrow night as I have yoga and school tonight. So this morning it was the last english muffin (I just bought a 6-pack Saturday...it's hard living with boys who can eat whatever they want) with some Laughing Cow garlic cheese and coffee for breakfast and for lunch it was a Smart Ones and yogurt. Not good nutrition wise but I'm staying within my points and I have 100-calorie popcorn for a snack this afternoon if I get to the point where I think I'm going to die...this happens sometimes, lol.

Lunch hour is almst over and my homework is not done for tonight, hawt. I should get back to it.

Chugging along

2010-01-21T09:13:00.000-05:00

This week hasn't been too bad in the weight loss area. I've done well with my points. Tuesday night I had to come up with a dinner as some plans fell through. I made hubby an italian burger patty melt, just mixed seasonings in with the beef, cooked it, put it between bread with cheese and toasted it like grilled cheese, he was happy. I on the otherhand have been craving fish. So I made a healthier version of Rachael Ray's margarita fish, knowing I had some limes, tequila and tilapia at home. It was okay, it is going to need some tweaking.

I'm on my Provera and my last pill is 01/24/10, this Sunday, so I should start AF sometime next week. Can't wait to start the baby-making again!

I'm trying to get more plain water in today. I've been downing the Crystal Light like crazy.

Workouts have been good this week:
Monday - Jogged/walked
Tuesday - Elliptical on lunch hour/30-day Shred (Jillian Michaels DVD) in the evening
Wednesday - Jogged/walked

I'm doing the couch potato to 5k and the last stint of running (I'm in week 2) I gave it my all. I thought I was going to fall over from a heart attack afterwards but then I felt so much better knowing I'd worked hard at it. I went home and had an apple with PB2 on it, milk and a few baked ruffles. Hubby and I just spent the rest of the night playing Words on our iPods and watched part of the Biggest Loser, couldn't stay up and watch the whole thing, so I just paused and hopefully we can watch it tonight.

Vampire Diaries is back on tonight! Yes! I'm obsessed, never read the books but Stefan and Damian are a couple of hot ass brother vampires.

I was never one for being committed to a show but I have a ton this year, I don't get it.

Gossip Girl
90210
Melrose Place
Vampire Diaries
Grey's Anatomy
How I Met Your Mother (just became a recent fan and bought seasons 1-3 on sale at Best Buy for $14.99 each thank you)

Alright, I must do some work, I'm just rambling away at this point. Toodles.

Can I just have a break from reality?

2010-01-18T20:02:00.000-05:00

I just feel so overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that I did something that some might think of as drastic, I'm taking a week long break from Facebook. I'm seeing things on there that I don't like and reminders of old friends and what they've done to me. It is constantly being thrown in my face, people may say I had it coming but that doesn't make it hurt less.

I want a break from everything. We're going on an overnight trip in February and a week long road trip at the end of March, they can't get here fast enough. The mistakes I've made in the past are just glaring me right in the face everywhere I look, including Facebook, work, etc. etc. etc. I just want move on and feel like I don't get a choice right now, it's not allowed of me.

Everyday all day all I want to do is be home laying on the couch with my hubby, playing games on our iPods together. I think this is a huge reason why I've decided to start making the plans towards quitting my part-time job. I need more free time in the evenings, at home with my husband. For instance, right now I could be sitting in my living room curled up with a book with my puppy while my hubby and his son play a video game in the same room, then I could pack meals for tomorrow, lay out clothes, not feel rushed in the morning.

Oh well, I'm working towards this, I guess it's not something that can happen overnight.

In other news I have all my meals planned out for next week (1/25 - 1/29). I plan meals for weeknights, make enough for lunch the next day for me, plan breakfasts and maybe plan meals for Saturday. Sunday night we always eat dinner at hubby's brother's house, Saturday we bowl or I work, so really I only have to plan 4-5 weeknight meals. With my Monday school schedule I'm having hubby just heat himself up something and eating a Lean Cuisine when I get home from school.

Monday - 1/25
B: Cheesed-up Pepperoni Scrambled Eggs (Hungry Girl recipe)
L: Lean cuisine
D: Lean cuisine

Tuesday - 1/26
B: Fiber One muffin and yogurt
L: Lean cuisine
D: Lemon Pepper Chicken and stuffed pepper (just filled with veggies)

Wednesday - 1/27
B: Cheesed-up Pepperoni Scrambled Eggs
L: Lemon Pepper Chicken and stuffed pepper
D: Ham & Spinach couscous and steamed lemon broccoli

Thursday - 1/28
B: Creamy hot apple with granola (Hungry Girl recipe)
L: Ham & Spinach couscous and steamed lemon broccoli
D: Cajun shrimp, corn and baked cauliflower

Friday - 1/29
B: Creamy hot apple with granola
L: Cajun shrimp, corn and baked cauliflower
D: Chicken, veggies and tortellini & spinach salad

Saturday - 1/30
B: Cinnamon roll, fruit and coffee
L: Chicken, veggies and tortellini
D: Snacks at wine tasting event - Something to look forward to! My sister-in-law and I go with a group of girlfriends to this every year. We have such a blast, for $25 you get 10-12 tickets to taste wines and a load of appetizers are there all evening. It is such a fun time and I'm glad I get to do this with this group of ladies, wish it was more often though!

Gained...ugh

2010-01-18T08:10:00.000-05:00

I won't let it get me down, I won't! But I did gain 3.2 lbs this week. I was on plan with WW almost the entire time except Friday night went a little over with individual homemade pizzas when we had dinner at Tim & Mindy's house and then last night we had dinner at hubby's mom's house with their family, all they had was chili, sausages, meatballs, antipasto salad, not a lot of healthy choices, so I did the best I could.

I'm going to start going to the meetings this week sometime. I'm hoping that will help keep me on track. I'm off today for MLK Day but I'm working tonight at my part-time job. Gonna get a workout in today and finish cleaning up around the house. I so don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

This morning I got up, made coffee and packed my hubby his lunch so he didn't have to eat a bunch of crap from Oh say McDonald's. It felt nice to be a little like the little lady who stayed home.

I did the 30-day shred Saturday...Jillian is so mean! It hurt to cough yesterday. We'll see what it does to me today.

So far so good!

2010-01-06T15:21:00.001-05:00

The last few days have gone pretty well. I've made healthier choices for meals and followed my points. I feel better and hope to continue this. I also started back on prenatal vitamins to get my body geared up for baby-making later this month or next month.

Monday I missed my yoga class though because of the damn windshield needing replaced. But I made up for it yesterday, got in a great run and lots of walking last night. Also spent some quality time with hubby in the evening (which we don't do enough of). We watched trash television and enjoyed every last minute of making fun of those people. Well at least the hoochy mama's on The Bachelor. Wow. We also watched The Biggest Loser, which we always do, and of course I teared up a few times (lame, I know), I don't know what is up with my emotions lately!?!?!? We cleaned, ate dinner and then I went to the gym to get my workout in.

Tonight, more of the same. The beginner's yoga class isn't until 6:15, but I'm going to go there after work and walk on the treadmill until it's time. I figure if I go home first I'll be more likely to just say forget about it, with all the snow and freezing rain we're getting today.

Next week I start classes, so I'm worried I won't find the time but I'm trying my hardest to make sure I still go, this is about making sure I'm healthy and my body is ready for a baby, so it's just as important as school to me. I will be going to school on Monday nights from 6:40 - 10:40 and Wednesdays from 6:40 - 7:55, so I can still make the Intro Yoga class (really an all levels where they introduce new poses each month) from 5-6 and then change and head to class on Mondays. Wednesdays I won't be able to but there's a class on Friday's when I'm free and of course the regular Saturday morning that I enjoy going to.

Tonight is leftover night. We have soup from Monday night and a turkey tenderloin from last night to finish up along with some veggies that will go bad soon, so salads galore people! I'll be happy with just the soup though, it's a cheese tortellini with tons of veggies and it turned out delicious this time around.

I'd say my only problem really is I feel like it's so hard to budget for healthier eating. Veggies and fruits are more expensive and we're so broke lately that I feel like the more I spend on that, the less we have to save towards baby related things and activities. Oh well, guess I just need to plan better and look at sales more often.

2010-01-04T13:33:00.000-05:00

I want a baby. I want a baby like there's no tomorrow. We've been trying for almost two years. My body is broken and I just want it to work like normal girls. We finally got all the infertility testing done and it's me, all me. But nothing they can diagnose, I'm a "freak." Hubby was perfect, very high count and good motility. We decided to start treatment in February, I can't wait, every day seems to drag until I can start taking the Provera and bring on AF.

Meanwhile it's time to lose some weight. It may or may not help the IF problem but hell it can't hurt anything, right? Three years ago I lost 42 lbs on Weight Watchers and why fix what isn't broken, right? So I'm going to try Weight Watchers again. If I stick with it, I can do it, it's just a matter of not being lazy and mindlessly eating. Today was my first day back on plan and I'm doing great. I had pumpkin yogurt, a recipe I found over on http://www.greenlitebites.com/, that was very good, like eating a pumpkin pie for breakfast without the crust, along with some fruit. Lunch was grilled chicken, whole wheat pasta and an Italian veggie medley salad I found in Kraft's magazine awhile back and have been wanting to try. Dinner is a Veggie & Tortellini soup, surprisingly I'll still have 7ish points left for the day, so I'll sneak in some milk and a late night snack.

I was already doing yoga that I just tried out last month (and loooooove) and started running again, which always makes me feel better when I can find the time for it. Yoga is tonight and I had my bag packed but my windshield broke last night. My appointment is at 4, Yoga is at 5 just down the road, so as long as it's over in time I'll be fine, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it if I can't make it there, you can't go in class once it has started.

My goal is to lose 60 lbs. Now some would say that's still too big for my height but I wore two pieces with confidence at that weight (not that I've ever had a self-confidence issue, Ms. In Love With Herself), that is a weight that makes me happy and that I feel good at. Besides, any smaller and I'd lose this lovely pair of tata's God gifted me with. But that will put me at 150 and I loved the 150's.

I realize that I'm doing two things that counteract each other, but if one helps the other then so be it. And besides, it could be eons before I finally get pregnant, so why not make my body as healthy as can be in the process, and besides that way I won't be a total fatty when I finally get pregnant.

I'm going to keep all this up and hope for the best. Next month it's onto baby-making!